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The Fun in Dysfunctional

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The Fun in Dysfunctional

Tag Archives: Grief Loss and Bereavement

The Quiet Conversations

17 Monday Jun 2019

Posted by Dot Girl in Uncategorized

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Conversation, Faith, families, Grief, Grief Loss and Bereavement, loneliness, loss, mental health, mother loss, motherless daughters, rules of life

I want to start a conversation about the things we rarely talk about. I want to talk about the conversations we long to have openly but the unwritten rules of society and life in general dictate that we either remain silent or keep these subjects audible at a level no higher than a whisper. I want to know what is it that we rarely talk about..what you rarely talk about.

I recently ranted here on this site about my journey last year turning the same age as my mother was when she passed away. That was a miserable experience facing down my mortality ..facing down who I twisted myself into from the ages of 16-49 ..facing the fact that I felt like I was losing my mind and no one understood where I was. It’s hard to explain how lonely and isolated I felt as I came to terms with now what. This conversation is not one everyone can have because until you experience mother loss there is no way to understand or even discuss with others what is going on.

Someone who I do not know read my piece and commented that they are approaching the same milestone of becoming their mother’s age at the time of her death and they thought it was just them who felt like they were losing their mind. Can I just say I nearly peed myself that someone I do not know read something that I wrote but I digress..The comment got me thinking that there is so much that we rarely discuss and I want to know what it is you want to bring to the table so we can discuss. What do we need to say in order to expand the conversations that have to happen?

I could write a whole book on the things that I see given the silent treatment and probably another one just from the examples from my own life experiences..right now my focus is on the reality that we do not discuss what happens when our mothers leave us. My mother left me over and over when I was young…however she died when I was only 16. Without a doubt the loss of my mother being present in my life had such a deep impact on who I was and who I am to do this day.

We rarely discuss mother loss ..and when there is a substitute parent the discussion grows quieter and quieter because as a society we tend to think we can substitute one mother for another. The hard truth is we cannot simply substitute one for the other. That is not to say we can’t be loved and cared for by a parent who did not birth us..we certainly can and many of us are..what I am saying is our mothers ..the women who conceived us, shared with us half of her DNA and with whom we bonded before we knew anyone else..they matter and we need them in a primitive way that is difficult to explain. It’s a hard conversation to have when you have people in your life who are wonderful stepmothers, have adopted or have mentored someone and helped to fill the mother void of a child. No one wants to hear this because immediately the backlash starts..and you can fill in any scenario that you can think of to mute the uncomfortable words of a voice rising up to say it does not agree with what society deems is acceptable regarding the loss of your mother.

I know the importance of having a stable parent when your world is chaotic..I had another parent..I had my beloved aunt Helen. My aunt Helen was the one who nurtured me, cared for me and brought me into her home often. Helen stepped up and took on the difficult tasks like teaching me how to be a kid ..sounds funny that a little girl would have to learn how to be a kid, but yeah my aunt had to teach me how to child. Helen showed me a different narrative on the world, Helen was there and her presence in my life was pivotal in my breaking the cycle of poverty and despair that surrounded me in my formative years. That is not to say I did not slip up along the way..but it was Helen’s love an influence that has been the beacon of light in my life to guide me..even though she too left this world far too young and far too soon when I was a mere 20 years old.

After saying all that ..I still longed for MY mother. The mother who let me go from her care for months on end..the mother who rarely called and almost never visited ..the mother who was home to me ..the mother who called me useless and worthless during late night discussions with my father on the phone..I longed for that woman when we were apart..she was my mother and she filled a space no one else could because she was mine.

I belong to a support group on Facebook for motherless daughters. I have a difficult time relating to the majority of women in the group if I am being honest. Post after post talks about the absolute devastation these women feel from losing their mothers. Some were young like I was ..others are older than my current age and have lost their mothers to age related causes and they are finding coping rather difficult. When my mother died I was actually relieved, pissed off and overwhelmed all at the same time. Everyone expected me to pick up and go on like nothing happened. Once the funeral was over ..ok well that was done time to shed who I was and conform to a whole new set of rules ..and I tried but I was 16 and 16 year olds are assholes ..I say this confidently because I have parented a couple of them ..they SUCK. My way of coping was I did what was expected and made sure along the way to tick all the boxes my mother never checked..get an education.. check..get married check..have babies young enough so I live to see them go to prom ..CHECK…not be on welfare.. CHECK..drive a car CHECK CHECK..not smoke ..check..take care of my mental health CHECK CHECK CHECK..What I forgot when checking the boxes was some of that was supposed to be fun ..and some of that was supposed to be about me. You see I got so caught up in living inside a box and following the rules ..that I forgot that person inside the box also matters. So ..

Last year I turned 49 and I was the same age my mother was when she died. I spent my 49th birthday sitting at my table sobbing because reality hit me in the face with a 2×4 ..I was alive. I did not know how to process that shit because no one talks about it. I looked in the mirror and I did not see my mother reflecting back me ..I saw myself and I had no clue who she was. For the first time there was no box set of rules to get to 49 ..I was there and I was alive. Then I realized I still had 59 days to go because Madeline was 49 years and 58 days old when she passed and yeah I filled that time up with a trip to Iceland for an Epic girls weekend..I filled it with a trip to Italy a few weeks after I returned from Iceland ..I filled it with getting to know some new family members and allowing myself to care and be cared for by these people..I filled it with not following my rules.

The journey to 50 was long and lonely ..there was no one to have this conversation with who gets it..yes the topic came up in therapy and yes I worked hard on trying to understand how this loss came raging back and how I needed to move forward ..but even there I felt isolated and alone. This conversation needs a platform.. it needs us to elevate its status to let the world know that however we lose our mothers ..to death, to abandonment, to illness, to their own despair..to adoption that our losses and longing is real and valid… that no one has the right to say but wait you should be grateful for..we need to have this conversation and so many others to take the shame and the silence and let others know ..you are not alone.

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Mother’s Day for this motherless daughter

15 Monday May 2017

Posted by Dot Girl in Uncategorized

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Family, Grief Loss and Bereavement, Home, life, Mother's day, motherless daughters, parenting, Relationships

Mother’s Day is one of those days I want to brush off as simply a “Hallmark Card Holiday” but deep down I know it is more than that. I have such a (for lack of a better word) interesting relationship with this so called holiday that most years I simply I do not know how to process it all.  I find myself incredibly envious of those who have that mother/daughter relationship I never had the opportunity to develop and at the same time I am equally ambivalent and at a loss on this day dedicated to all that mom means to us.

My own mother died in the Summer of 1986 and this particular Mother’s day marks 30 years since I have had a mother..in some odd way I feel like a fraud because I had no business becoming a mother when I had very limited experience with being mothered let alone being a mom. I see so many posts today by people who love and genuinely miss their mothers..I honestly miss the thought of my mother more than I miss my actual mother. There I admitted it finally ..and I can’t say it feels good to get that off my chest but it does feel genuine.

Madeline got sick when I was 16 years old, our relationship was never one I would define as close. I think our distance is  because she built a wall between us very early on probably based on her own experiences with her mother (whom I never met) and some of the choices my mother made that resulted in my arrival. I often wonder if she lived, if things progressed beyond the angst of my teenaged years if things would be different, if I would feel different ..if I would feel a great loss for the person who was my mother? Unfortunately for me,  I will never have an answer to those questions only what ifs.  I am aware that loss and the what ifs that tag along are the ghosts that haunt my own motherhood. How I wish I had a picture that I could post and a true sentiment of missing my mother to share with the world..all I have is regret and a longing for what should have been. I know deep down inside every time my mother looked at me she saw her own bitterness and heartbreak reflecting back at her. My mother’s pain manifested in me through no fault of mine other than I existed.

I am blessed in my adult life with amazing human beings who call me mom. I fret and I worry every single day if they are happy, if they are living lives that bring them joy and satisfaction if they know just how genuinely loved they really are by me. I pray I did the right things by them..I know I messed up often but I relied upon life experiences with other women to be my northern star guiding me upon the motherhood journey. All I ever wanted was to be here for these beautiful souls who were sent my way to walk this path in life together.

Still there are days I long to be mothered. There are days I ache inside to know I was wanted and loved by the woman who gave me life..my mother. There are days I long to hear my mother say I am doing ok, that my babies..her grandchildren are going to be ok. I long to create a post with a picture and put it on Facebook to let the world know that I am part of a tribe of strong and loving women ..a branch on my mother’s strongly rooted tree…but I realize I have to be my own tree.

 

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When Hello also means saying Goodbye

19 Sunday Feb 2017

Posted by Dot Girl in Uncategorized

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babies, Faith, Family, Grief Loss and Bereavement, still birth

A few minutes ago my head was filled with the words intended for this post. As I am sitting here, I have discovered actually translating from thought to action has proven to be a monumental failure to say the least. I tasked myself with trying to formulate the perfect words to honor my daughter who many years ago on this day we brought into the world only to say hello and goodbye way too soon.  To my utter despair, I can’t seem to capture with words all the feelings and emotions swelling inside. Please someone tell me just how one honors a moment in time that cannot be defined by words alone.

I fear some years that I forget the important details..the times we heard a heartbeat, the times the doctor said everything looked  great..but there was always a feeling of  fear lurking in me. I knew something was wrong, it was a feeling in my bones, the feeling haunted me and yet I blew it off. I heard a heartbeat, I saw her growing, ..the doctor told me everything was great what could go wrong? In my head I kept thinking I am young, I have done this before, it is just the hormones messing with my emotions. The words I never expected to hear haunt me to this day..There is no life. Those words ..those 4 words changed everything ..those four words changed me. I had baby clothes in the drawer..I felt the baby move …I was filled with life ..only to hear ..there is no life. Suddenly I was no longer filled with life and hope and left with heaviness of crippling grief. Mothers should not have to bury their babies. I cannot describe the despair I felt knowing my delivery would mean my baby would no longer be a part of me..that once she was outside of me, that was really the end. Labor was induced, it was relatively short and it was lonely. My child’s birth was traumatic and happened in the elevator on a gurney as I was transported from my room on the high risk maternity floor to labor and delivery. My daughter came into the world in the same hospital that saw me arrive 20 odd years before her another reminder that we are connected even though she is no longer here.

We  (my husband and I ) decided to honor our daughter and give her the name we intended for her..Molly Clare. Our daughter named after my husband’s grandmother Mary Claire  who was a beautiful woman in every way you can imagine. I like to imagine Molly has her great grandmother’s spirit and had she lived she would have lived up to her namesake. I like to imagine she looks like her beautiful sisters. I like to imagine she is kind, smart and sassy just like her sisters ..I like to imagine so much about her on the day she came into the world. I know  I see her forever as a baby, my imagery is frozen in a moment so very long ago. I know that a tiny set of footprints and a headstone are all I have that prove she was here for even just a moment.

The days leading up to today have been filled with angst and grief..tears do not come easy but this morning they are spilling out. I find some years this day passes not exactly with ease but with quiet reflection and other years (unfortunately this is one of those years) I miss my child and ache with the feeling of loss deep down in my heart and soul. Tomorrow will be better..it always is ..but for today I will remember my daughter and hope one day, one year I will find the right words ..but for now my sweet Molly Clare wherever you are..I hope you know just how very much I miss you and pray your grandmothers keep you safe until we are together again.

 

 

 

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Coming Up For Air

22 Monday Oct 2012

Posted by Dot Girl in Uncategorized

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burden of grief, Family, Grief, Grief Loss and Bereavement

Grief has a way of catching up with us at the most inopportune moments. The moment grief works its way in, it is all consuming and fills the spaces in your lungs where the air is supposed to go. Grief is heavy in every way imaginable and when it is not simply your burden of grief that you carry the weight is almost punishing.

The months of 2012 blend together like a long day and night, a solstice of life at its finest and darkest hours. I spent my time keeping busy, trying to stay one step ahead of the sorrow, savoring each moment of joy, throwing myself at any task just in order to keep the sadness at bay. We can only avoid things for just so long, because sooner or later it all catches up with us.

I am not exactly sure when I allowed the grief to settle in and start to take over.  Maybe it happened during those weeks in September when faced with constant reminders of just how fragile life is. Death touched the lives of my family 6 times in the days from September 6, until 27. Still, I remained busy, hiding from my feelings and stumbling along the way hoping to avoid the inevitable crash. Maybe the cracks finally started happening once I acknowledged a part of my past and realized that I am not alone. Maybe it happened during the interval between a difficult loss and waiting for news, hoping that one loss was all we had to endure. Time is a precious gift and a mortal enemy all rolled into one, given too much time and the fear of the unknown adds to our burden. It is amazing to me how one event folds into the next and quickly compounds feelings of heaviness. To be honest it is hard to describe how grief feels physically. For me, grief feels like a weight that sits on my back, in my chest and in my gut. I am unable to breathe, I am unable to eat and the world around me feels out of sort like a I am walking in an alternate universe

What I do know is I felt the grief blanket me and fill my lungs when the pain and sadness was not mine alone. I just can not give you a time or a date, because it feels like it just happened all of a sudden and I know that is not the case. I realize that I tried desperately to take the burden of grief away from my children and my husband to carry it for them and I attempted to avoid my own feelings during these months and recent weeks. As we walk away from the moments of loss and sadness ,life becomes clearer I see things for what they are to me.

So now I am coming up for air, I feel as though I can breathe again. Every day the air in my lungs feels lighter and lighter but I am still reminded of  the reality that life is fragile yet unbreakable. The thing about grief is it comes in waves and disappears like the tide (now how is that for cliché) and the only way for me to get through it all is to be aware of how I am feeling, not to let myself drown in the pain and the sadness and to breathe.

 

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