The wind is howling outside, my husband is at a conference for his job and I have full blown insomnia …fun times. Maybe having a little Pepsi to settle my stomach before dinner was not exactly the smartest move considering I am sitting here wide awake. Or was it the opening of an email from a new found cousin in Nova Scotia giving me a lead on my maternal grandmother that got me fired up? Who knows maybe it is all of the above or which it is..the fact of the matter is I can’t sleep and I kind of sort of need to get up in about 5/6 hours because my new sofa is being delivered …and yeah I am somewhat feeling like a kid waiting for Santa to arrive. You know you are old when a new sofa riles up an excitement in your dead soul, the likes of which you have not felt in years. I have to admit this sofa is worth the hype..I customized the fabric, the legs, the cushions ..you name it, it looks kind of like the one I was lusting after in the Serena and Lily catalogue this past summer…just not as wide or long and minus the nearly $5000 price tag. Enough about sofas ..I am here to whine about the fact that I can’t sleep.
So to be completely honest here I know what I should do is shut down the computer, turn off the television and lay in the dark listening to one dog snore and smell the other one farting ..but then who would I whine to? Actually instead of resting my brain, I would be laying in my bed composing a post that would sound and be far better than this one and I still would not sleep. Frankly, I would rather catch up on the 15 episodes of the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon that I recorded on my DVR and keep forgetting to watch (because at the moment Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers are KILLING their monologues/A Closer Look/The Check In/Amber Says What and Fallon although I love him ..well Fallon is funny and light hearted and quite frankly my safe space for late night TV but not capturing my attention right now) while whining in a post here than to be in the dark listening to my own thoughts./dealing with the dogs.because you know at least Fallon is funny and adorable..traits I do not possess.
Did I mention the wind is howling? If I did… what I probably failed to mention is it is freaking humid as hell tonight and for those of us with lungs that are irritated just by their very own existence humidity sucks ass. Speaking of lungs ..yeah this is where the hypochondria comes is..you see I actually have a really obnoxious diagnosis of Lupus ..and the rheumatologist says I have fibromyalgia but I am not overly impressed with that diagnosis..I think I just ache like hell because I really don;t move much these days thanks to my annoying lupus complications of pericarditis, a pericardial effusion, pleural effusions and pleurisy ..and yeah I know I am whining but I have to remind myself sometimes that yeah this shit is not just in my head and there is an actual reason why I want to move and exercise but that’s not exactly the best idea.
Getting back to the hypochondria..I guess I should mention I think I am in the middle of losing my damn mind this year. It is no secret I dragged myself to therapy years ago thinking I needed only the allotted 8 visits the insurance company we had at the time allowed and I would be on my merry way…then the bitch (I kid because she is actually an awesome person) figured out that I was and probably still am bound together by tattered seams, caffeine, and by a stubborn streak so fierce it makes Kim Jung Un look like a reasonable person and made me stick around a little longer than I first thought I would. The first few years I was really ashamed that I needed some help to process life that happened, life that was currently happening and life that was about to happen ..now I am like please I am just as nuts and just as sane as the next person at least I accept that I need a fairly objective person to look me in the eye and say Bitch get over yourself and cut the crap..but it is also nice to have someone say every now and then you know what that is not cool or yeah I get it that sucks so now what are you going to do about it. This year however the shrink is on speed dial ..While I know I ave a chronic illness and I deal with it by whatever means necessary (like write this self serving blog)..and one more side rant ..this woman has been the one person who every 6 weeks or so I can sit down with and really let go how I feel about what my life is currently.. because everything changed after this diagnosis..she was the one who forced me to bring in all of my reports from the doctors .things I understood and knew how to interpret and said this is not in your head (I spent the first 18 months thinking every time I went to the doctor they were going to tell me girl you are nuts, there is nothing wrong with you now go away..only the opposite happened every time I went to the doctor they looked and said this is not good)…please understand this is serious and you are not making this up..tests don;t lie, MRIs are not fake ..wishing this away or willing yourself better is not going to work ..ok rant over. We were talking about my chronic hypochondria ..or at least I alluded to it before I went off on the rant about my shrink…
It has hit me hard..I am 48 ..my mother was 48 when she was diagnosed with terminal lung and brain cancer ..I have 198 days until I turn 49 ..and 258 days to go beyond the time my mother lived. She turned 49 on 5/17/86 and died 7/15/86 …I need to make it to 6/10/18 ..IN THE MEANTIME I really need to get my act together. So far every time I get a migraine I swear to God in Heaven above I have a brain tumor ..because you know that is totally rational or if I forget to eat and get a little dizzy I am thinking I am going to have another attack of vertigo..my lungs have felt incredibly heavy ..I have looked up the symptoms of lung cancer about 45 times ..I swear I have memorized them ..but I need to see it in front of me to reassure I don;t have those symptoms..can we talk about the fact that I have never smoked??? Yes I was exposed to second hand smoke as the mother was incubating me and she smoked in the house. the aunts smoked in their houses, people smoked in restaurants when I was a child , people smoked in the car with the windows rolled up but I never smoked so my chances are slimmer but yet I am terrified all of a sudden of lung cancer ..I am terrified that a sniffle is going to bring on a full pericardial flare ..I am terrified that I am on borrowed time..the shrink says this is normal for someone who lost their mother when they were young ..she says many people have a weird year when it is the same year/age their parent died ..I am losing my damn mind.
Part of my insomnia is fueled by the fact that when I am in the dark and it is quiet and it hurts to lay down, but hurts to sit up and the dog has let one rip and I am nauseous from the stench, but warm and comfortable enough that the prospect of moving a muscle sends me into a state of sheer panic..I start thinking about all this dark crap that normally rolls right off my back..so I lay awake and afraid to turn on the TV again because it wakes my husband up but hoping for a distraction ..wondering if I am going to see June 10 ..(I will and I know I will) trying to remember if I put the new car payment on auto pay( I did) ..wondering if the headache I have is a brain tumor (it’s not) and wondering why I can’t sleep (I am a hypochondriac as of 7/15/17)
I wrote this post a few days ago..fell asleep actually while writing it so I guess writing is cathartic..FYI the sofa arrived and I love it…I love it so much I won’t let anyone sit on it just yet..I mean come on it needs to look awesome for even a little while or until I can find a plastic slipcover (no I would not do that but it would be both funny and really practical) the husband came home and I realized part of my insomnia stems from the fact that he snores in unison with the dog..among other things ..and yeah I admit I am a full blown hypochondriac who actually has a chronic illness ..I have been assured I may get a little but crazier between now and my birthday and full blown bat shit crazy from my birthday until June 10…strap in kids it is going to be a bumpy ride