A few minutes ago my head was filled with the words intended for this post. As I am sitting here, I have discovered actually translating from thought to action has proven to be a monumental failure to say the least. I tasked myself with trying to formulate the perfect words to honor my daughter who many years ago on this day we brought into the world only to say hello and goodbye way too soon. To my utter despair, I can’t seem to capture with words all the feelings and emotions swelling inside. Please someone tell me just how one honors a moment in time that cannot be defined by words alone.
I fear some years that I forget the important details..the times we heard a heartbeat, the times the doctor said everything looked great..but there was always a feeling of fear lurking in me. I knew something was wrong, it was a feeling in my bones, the feeling haunted me and yet I blew it off. I heard a heartbeat, I saw her growing, ..the doctor told me everything was great what could go wrong? In my head I kept thinking I am young, I have done this before, it is just the hormones messing with my emotions. The words I never expected to hear haunt me to this day..There is no life. Those words ..those 4 words changed everything ..those four words changed me. I had baby clothes in the drawer..I felt the baby move …I was filled with life ..only to hear ..there is no life. Suddenly I was no longer filled with life and hope and left with heaviness of crippling grief. Mothers should not have to bury their babies. I cannot describe the despair I felt knowing my delivery would mean my baby would no longer be a part of me..that once she was outside of me, that was really the end. Labor was induced, it was relatively short and it was lonely. My child’s birth was traumatic and happened in the elevator on a gurney as I was transported from my room on the high risk maternity floor to labor and delivery. My daughter came into the world in the same hospital that saw me arrive 20 odd years before her another reminder that we are connected even though she is no longer here.
We (my husband and I ) decided to honor our daughter and give her the name we intended for her..Molly Clare. Our daughter named after my husband’s grandmother Mary Claire who was a beautiful woman in every way you can imagine. I like to imagine Molly has her great grandmother’s spirit and had she lived she would have lived up to her namesake. I like to imagine she looks like her beautiful sisters. I like to imagine she is kind, smart and sassy just like her sisters ..I like to imagine so much about her on the day she came into the world. I know I see her forever as a baby, my imagery is frozen in a moment so very long ago. I know that a tiny set of footprints and a headstone are all I have that prove she was here for even just a moment.
The days leading up to today have been filled with angst and grief..tears do not come easy but this morning they are spilling out. I find some years this day passes not exactly with ease but with quiet reflection and other years (unfortunately this is one of those years) I miss my child and ache with the feeling of loss deep down in my heart and soul. Tomorrow will be better..it always is ..but for today I will remember my daughter and hope one day, one year I will find the right words ..but for now my sweet Molly Clare wherever you are..I hope you know just how very much I miss you and pray your grandmothers keep you safe until we are together again.