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Rattled, that about sums up how I am feeling at the moment. Somehow, some way I managed to piss off the karma gods this week because they have placed a massive “KICK ME” sign on my back this past week. Where to begin ..I just don’t know.

Last Monday was my birthday..no real big deal it was not a milestone event..but it is my one special day out of the year and I look forward to the cake. Have I ever mentioned that birthday cake is probably my most favorite food ..even though I really can only eat a little bit of it at a time? Well back to last Monday..before I even opened my eyes I knew something was wrong because I just felt off. I was wondering if it was the increase in the dosage of the Imuran the rheumatologist has me on or the fact that the weekend before my ears felt blocked like I was on a plane..but I could not pop them. I sat on the side of the bed and the room was spinning. Thankfully, my husband was home for the day to be with me on what was supposed to be my special day..and he got up to help me to the bathroom. I thought a drink of water and and lying back down with my feet elevated would help..but things progressed rapidly and within minutes I was sick to my stomach and unable to open my eyes due to the room spinning as if I was on an out of control carnival ride. I told him take me to the doctor..then I I realized I would never make it to the car..so he called 911. You know, at this point I was getting scared. I could barely talk, I was feeling weak and unable to move..the world was spinning out of control..was I having a stroke? Turns out I had a nasty attack of vertigo that warranted a stay in the hospital, an IV instead of a birthday cake, a CT scan instead of a mani/pedi (which I really need desperately) and a vertigo cocktail of meds with an ativan chaser to calm everything down and make the dizzy go away.  The sucky thing was..3 days later I was still dizzy and not able to drive.

We move on to Friday..I call my OB/GYN ..no I am not pregnant that ship has sadly sailed off into the horizon….because I realize my appointment with her is quickly approaching and I have yet to have my mammogram done AND I have a lymph node that looks funky show up on both a chest CT scan and cardiac MRI  and I wanted to know do I go for the regular mammogram or do I go to the breast center? The answer was come in to the office. Well she found a suspicious lump at six o’clock and a lymph on the other side. Probably nothing…but WTF?? I don;t need this shit..I am just wrapping my head around the damn Lupus diagnosis. Made the appointment for the breast center..texted one of my best friends to remind me I am 47 and welcome to the lumpy boob club..B, as usual talked me down off the ledge (just like I did for her a few months ago when she went through the same thing)

Then over the weekend..I had a stupid melt down over a table. It is not just any old table thought it is the table that belonged to my grandparents, it was in my aunt’s kitchen all the years I was growing up..my cousin took good care of it for the past 26 years and now I have it. I realize it is the first thing in my home that is MINE. the first thing that I brought in that represents me and I am overwhelmed..damn hormones.

Now we move on to today..oh what can I say about today? Today I was all anxious because tomorrow is the day I go for my diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. Tomorrow they will tell me if I have to deal with more on plate than I can already handle. I planned to take it easy, I planned to do a few things that were going to keep my mind active and prevent it from perseverating on the appointment tomorrow..that got blown to shit. Enter neighborhood drama..

We are in the middle of a bathroom renovation. I am on my second contractor because the first one flaked out on me and took a lot of money. This new guy is in a nutshell..AWESOME. Contractor was here today installing board and batten to my walls ..all was good until I looked outside and saw a police car at my neighbor’s house. Her husband has multiple health problems including at least 3/4 heart attacks and heart surgeries. I did not see his car in the driveway..but I saw the wife’s and she was talking to the police officer. The first thought that ran through my head was ..I hope everything is ok with the husband. I have not spoken to this neighbor in close to 3 years..I don;t know why exactly except that the past 3 years have been awful. The last time I did talk to her was around the time that our beloved Uncle Jack passed away. I took his death really hard, and I did not talk to many people in the months  that followed. Grief does that to you at times. Anyhow …so I see the officer walking towards my house and my thought was are there break ins in the neighborhood? There is an opioid crisis in my state and maybe the officer was coming to talk about that. She walks over and asks if she can speak to me. She then asks if I am having issues with my neighbors across the street. I said no. She proceeds to tell me that the neighbor called the police to tell them that I was going into her yard and I was either throwing rocks or kicking rocks and destroying her plants…huh???? Apparently the neighbor says this has been happening in the middle of the night, she has not seen anyone but she knows it is me…oooooKAYYYYY.  I said to the officer..first of all I just got out of the hospital after a crappy vertigo attack..my town’s EMS took me there so I have not been out of the house  much in a little more than a week..next I have Lupus which has attacked my heart and lungs..I don;t have the flipping energy or lung capacity to walk across the street let alone pull those kinds of shenanigans..and lastly speaking of shenanigans…I just turned 47 years old the days of pulling crap have long passed by, and even when I was in prime shenanigans age I really was not that kind of girl. The cop was like ok. The officer says just avoid her and don;t engage..I said I don’t I have not spoken to her in almost 3 years.

Today was  also trash day, delayed a day thanks to a Monday Holiday here in my state..I went outside to put my trash out and all of a sudden the neighbor comes out and starts screaming at me “stay out of my yard you miserable bitch”. I said “OK” and she kept going on and on. UGH. My head knows it is more likely than not dementia or some kind of mental break on her behalf..the other side of me is rattled. Out of the blue she invaded my sanctuary..she invaded my home, my safe place. I could not shake this off..maybe in a couple of years I will laugh about it..but not today. Today I am triggered and totally on edge about what happened. I have never done anything to this woman..my husband and son shovel them out in the winter if need be ..my husband has moved heavy objects for her..she freaking stole my cats. No I am not exaggerating, she put out cream and meat scraps and took the cats in to her house and neither one would come back home..why would they? I offered dry food with an occasional can of Fancy Feast as a treat..my house has 2 dogs, tons of kids coming in and out and no one to dote on them. She renamed my cat and then screamed at me because she had to take him to the vet. My husband gave her money to cover the costs..but after a while why would we keep paying? We just ignored the cat issue after a while, I never called the police to say she stole my cats or when she was taking snow from her house and piling it at the end of my driveway..I just figured that is who she is and let it go. I am perseverating on the fact that I did nothing wrong to this woman and why would she single me out?

Today, this woman managed to make me feel unsafe in my own home, to feel accused even though I did nothing wrong ..problem is I let that happen. maybe if I was not recovering still from the damn vertigo or if I was not already a tad upset about tomorrow I would have blown it off..but I can’t and no one gets it. Maybe I am the one who needs to get it..but I am in the weeds of this and my home..my space..my security has been breeched and this is not a good feeling.

P.S…have I mentioned yet that this woman who probably has some dementia going on is still driving?